Fat People Can’t Find Love

I started FPCFL over 8 years ago (probably) to chronicle my socially awkward journey to overcome anxiety and morbid obesity. Now, I’m a teacher and I’m planning my wedding (to a person who knows they’re marrying me!). This is my continuing journey.

I started Fat People Can’t Find Love, idk, 6…8 years ago? maybe more? to chronicle my journey to overcome anxiety and social awkwardness and lose weight. But, I am not great at journaling or blogging. Or follow-through, specifically when it comes to weight loss.

The original blog was on blogspot, which turned into blogger, I think, which doesn’t have an app so it just got even harder to keep up.

Now, I’m a teacher and I’m planning my wedding (it’s a real wedding, it’s not make believe) and I still have over a hundred pounds to lose before I reach my target weight.

This is my continuing journey.

Quarantine day 12: I think I was almost murdered…

Why was there a man standing in a dark, empty storage unit in a dark basement? Why did he leave so quickly when I saw him? Where did he go? What would he have done if I hadn’t seen him? Am I safe in my own basement? Should I have called the police?

So… I may be over reacting, but it has been an hour, and my heart rate has gone down significantly, and I still think something really weird just happened.

I have said before how a woman was stabbed to death near campus last fall and this past fall a jogger was attacked while adjusting her earphones. My safe little college town has a dark side. And maybe my story was going to be the next one? “Woman found murdered in basement storage unit”

So, here’s what happened. Because of the Corona Virus shutdown, can and bottle redemption is “temporarily on hold” (but they are still charging the deposit). We didn’t take our recycling in before the shutdown, so it is starting to back up. Instead of tossing it out, we decided to bring some down to the basement storage area until redemption centers reopen. I was cleaning up the kitchen today and noticed that the recycling was backing up, so I decided to finally start bringing them down stairs.

I turned on the light as I headed down. Yesterday, I noticed that someone had put cardboard over the window, I’m guessing because they were doing some remodeling and the supplies had been stored in the basement. I unlocked my unit and considered turning on the lightbulb for the unit, but decided not to as I as just setting down some boxes. That’s when I noticed something in the next storage unit.

There’s just chicken wire separating the units, so you can see directly into the other ones even though they have real doors and you can’t see into them from the outside. As I set down the first box of cans, I noticed a person standing in the next unit.

Here’s the thing, as far as we know, there is nobody living in the apartment assigned that unit. And when I was doing laundry yesterday, I noticed that the door was slightly ajar, so I know it wasn’t locked. And all that is in there is a rolling chair and a baby car seat and a few other odds and ends, basically just stuff that looks like it was left behind.

I was startled and said “Hi” when I saw them and they also said “Hi,” I think, as they started to leave, and I said something like “I wasn’t expecting to see anybody down here, you frightened me.” I felt stupid because I meant to say “startled” instead of frightened. And they were gone and up the stairs. But I didn’t see or hear where they went.

It was so unnerving that I held my keys in a defensive position when I returned to my apartment and, since I had left it unlocked as I was only out of the apartment for about 90 seconds, searched the apartment. I texted my husband who suggested I call the landlord, which really only added to my anxiety. The person I talked to sounded concerned and told me to email the property manager, which I did over an hour and a half ago now. Because it is a Friday afternoon, I have a feeling if she hasn’t read my email by now she won’t until Monday morning.

Why was there a man standing in a dark, empty storage unit in a dark basement? Why did he leave so quickly when I saw him? Where did he go? What would he have done if I hadn’t seen him? Am I safe in my own basement? Should I have called the police?

Quarantine day 5, Friday March 20

Probably not pregnant. Took the last of my last of pregnancy tests, negative. Bought a new pack, digital this time, still negative. Discomfort in my side that will likely turn out to be a cramp. Relieved, but also disappointed. I really want to have a baby.

We’ve been making good use of this this off together, as we were supposed to be out of station vacation this week. We’ve been playing through our game collection, fixed up both of our cars. Spent our tax money on that, but we are good to go.

He may be beating me as of now, but we are far from done.

We’ve also been watching Doctor Who. E got the complete David Tenant collection real cheap off of Amazon a few weeks back. We completed 2, 3 and most of 4 before this all started. Finished 4, all the specials, 5, and are over halfway through 6. We have all the Smith and Capaldi, I believe, but switched from Sling to YouTube TV, so we only have the second season of Whittacker saved.

2 more days until E goes back to work and I start working from home. I’m thinking of looking into the free online classes from the Ivy Leagues that I’ve been hearing about. I could be better informed about meteorology, global climate change, and natural history, all subjects my students learn that my partner teacher and I feel we could do better at. And now that I have my Master Teacher license, I need to keep earning renewal credits. We’ll see how that ends up going.

Quarantine day 4, thursday march 19

I think i might be pregnant. No other news, I guess.

I was supposed to start my period on Monday. But, there are so many ‘supposed tos’ this week. We are supposed to be in the north shore visiting my parents right now, not playing board games and watching doctor who (we’re in season 6). I took a test on Monday, I took a test on Wednesday. Both were negative. I have one test left. I don’t know what to do if tomorrow I get a negative but my period still doesn’t start. I don’t go back to work for at least 3 more weeks because of Covid-19, but my husband works in a grocery store. He’s back to work on Monday.

What if i am pregnant? We have a small 2 bedroom apartment. I can’t quarantine myself away from my husband, but he is still exposed to the public. how do I keep myself and my potential unborn safe at that point? It’s like, pregnancy in the time of Covid. I don’t like it. I just want to know if i am or if i am not pregnant and i can go back to worrying about the usual everything: my job, money, my marriage, my car (which is in the shop right now with over $1k in repairs)…

Hootie and other thoughts

Maroon 5 will and has always broken my heart.

December was a maintenance month.

We had a VP gone on a leave of absence August through november, and now our principal is retiring as of mid January. mikaleek or no, I should have stayed where I was. Amd every time i mention that to my husband, he is too darn supportive of us going back. I don’t want to go back, i just want to feel like i have admin support behind me in more than jut words.

My life seems to be full of good intentions that will never come to fruition.

So, there’s that…

Why I stopped writing, Why I am writing now

Hi. I stopped writing a long time ago. I still feel I was wronged in my old school district, but I am too much of a professional (no matter how I dress) to say anything on any platform about why. Even now, 18 months later. Even now, at a different grade level and at a new district. Not everything needs to be aired out in the public forums, even if it is all Michalik’s fault (if you get that joke, you already know too much and need to move on to bigger, better things).

I teach 8th grade science now. I married my absolute best friend last year at the end of September (on home plate at the local minor league stadium). And the very first thing to happen in 2020 is one of my kiddos was killed in a drive by.

I’ve lost 30 lbs in the last 6 months of 2019 (well end of may through thanksgiving) by being aware of my eating habits, accidental IF, and a purposeful increase of physical activity. I actually did 5 weeks of a couch to 5k over the summer…and went off anti-depressants and birth control. As a result, my life is spiraling. Still in control, but very difficult to manage. I cried over winter break ever time I so much as thought about school, my students, or going back. I would say it is all in my head and a result of being off all meds (I want to be a mom and the antidepressants raise the likelihood of birth defects by enough that I actually think I am better off without them…some days) but I am not the only person on my team losing the joy we once held in being  teacher.

A gym opened across the street this past weekend. I have gone 2x this week and will walk over tomorrow morning as well for 3x this week. That’s the minimum I want to do, as it costs just over $20 a month. Not bad, as long as I am using it. Like I said above, I have lost 30lb since June, but still have a long way to go to be out of the 200s. The only thins standing in the way of me and that goal is the potential possibility of getting pregnant before the year is out. I am 32, so I am running out of time if motherhood is a goal I want to pursue…

The wrong shoes

Warning: this post is a) long and b) not about shoes.

At the time, I thought I was wearing the wrong shoes, but now I’m starting to think they were the exact shoes I needed.

So, I was one of those girls who thought it would be cute for everyone to wear Chucks in her wedding. It was back in college that my BFF “MP” and I were walking around the fancy mall in DSM when we decided that we would have sunflowers and fall colors at my wedding, and everyone would be wearing chucks. I had met my now husband by that time, but he was an actual adult, a manager at the grocery store we both worked at, and I was a kid who worked there part time.

When E and I started planning our wedding, we were hoping for early June, right after school let out. We were thinking lilacs. When we found the minor league baseball field had weddings and would end up being a cheaper option than renting a hall somewhere, we were at the mercy of the minor league baseball schedule. Luckily our team was literal worst in the minor league system, so there was no way for minor league playoffs to get in the way.

I wasn’t that keen on May, because May is murder for teachers, and June was all booked up until the last weekend. E’s busiest time all summer is 4th of July week, so that wasn’t an option. Also, we wanted to make sure that an outdoor wedding would be comfortable, so no July or August. We decided on September and chose to go end of the month, because he Cyclones usually play the Hawkeye first of second week of September and have an off week near the end. They played the last weekend of the month, but it was an away game so it didn’t mess with out season tickets.

Our colors were royal blue, baby blue, and sunflower yellow. Royals colors, but not on purpose. E thought it would be cool if everyone wore Chucks. We decided on sunflowers as the main flower, I chose the pretty blue accent flowers based on something I saw on Pinterest. He didn’t know that everything he wanted was the wedding I had been planning in my head. It worked out that way.

Third pic down is an engagement photo. Our photographer did good work. That is important to say right away. We had no reason to believe or expect what has happened since. The other 3 pictures I have taken from friends who posted them on Facebook and tagged us. Because it is 8 months after the wedding, a wedding that would have been perfect if the weather had cooperated, and we have 8 photos from our photographer.

Like I said, the weather did not cooperate. We had 3 Saturday home games where I was trying like hell not to get sunburned and ruin my wedding pictures. Not a cloud in the sky 3 straight Saturdays. Then, low 50’s and drizzly the day I was getting married outside.

We got married on home plate in a puddle of water. The drizzle held off for our first look, then it was sprinkles, drizzles, and clouds. By the time the wedding cake along, no one wanted to sit in the stands. They were standing up in the concourse out of the rain. This is important, because it means the only photos of the ceremony were either from the concourse or professional.

This is the only picture we have right now that is “close up” of the ceremony. Gotta love the capital building in the background. I have some pictures from the dugout showing me and my girls in jackets up until the very moment we step out on the field. If I did it all again I would change only 1 thing: scheduling it a week earlier. And maybe paying $500 more for a real photographer.

Here’s the thing about our wedding: it was a friends and family affair. Our DJ, who was awesome, was a substitute teacher at my old school and is the uncle of one of E’s good friends. Our officiant was a bridesmaid. I met her in 4th grade and read a poem at her wedding. Our musician is the little brother of one of E’s best friends, and a good friend himself, and took his brother’s place in the party when his brother’s declining health got in the way of him traveling. We almost lost him too, but his brother held on a few more weeks. Cake and flowers were done at E’s store, a bakery I used to work in and a floral department I used to coordinate wedding deliveries too. Our photographer went to high school with E and the groomsmen, shared some mutual friends with us.

Throughout all of this, I haven’t named and shamed her, wouldn’t let our mutual friends give her a hard time. I don’t know why. She hasn’t done anything to earn loyalty from me. I guess I’m just that good of a person or something.

Her contract says 5 weeks after the event date, photos will be delivered for approval. I first contacted her 8 weeks after the wedding, around thanksgiving. Then at 12 weeks, around Christmas. Finally, at about 14 weeks, I left a voicemail and she called me back. Said she was going through hard times, but she was working on it. I told her she had 2 weeks before I wanted my photos or my money back. 4 months was enough. A month later she messaged me a bunch of pictures, which ended up being about 8 shots and few duplicates. Said the rest would be on a flash drive in the mail. That was mid-February. I haven’t heard from her since.

I’ve been trying. I’ve left voicemails, texted, sent messages to her Facebook. I even had my lawyer BIL try to contact her. It’s been 3.5 months and I have heard nothing. I have received nothing. My wedding was over 8 months ago. I have 8 pictures.

This whole story stared with a pair of shoes. I put those shoes on this morning and I got mad. I started walking, and I got more mad. They were rubbing against my heel and I got a pretty bad blister, I couldn’t find the sunscreen and may have a bit of burn, or at least near burn, on my shoulders. I tried to run myself tired. I just got more mad.

I got home and texted Amanda a picture of her contract, told her she was in breach. I called her and told her I needed my pictures or my money back or I was calling a lawyer. Then, I went on Facebook and found the second photographer she was working with that day. It seemed to me while watching them work that Amanda was the armature and the other photographer was taking lead. I think Amanda used o work for her before setting off on her own. The other photographer was mortified to hear I hadn’t received my pictures yet.

She contacted Amanda, who didn’t answer her calls either, and looked through her hard drive and had pictures of the whole wedding. She wants to give Amanda a week to do the right thing, and gave her the ultimatum to fix this, or they were never working together again. If Amanda doesn’t is this, I can look through the photos the other photographer has and pick out the ones I want her to finish.

She had been pestering Amanda about my photos, too, it seems. And Amanda old her back in March that she took care of it. A few weeks ago, she was deleting old photo negatives from her hard drive when she came to mine. She almost deleted them, but something stopped her. Then I called.

When I was out and angry and getting blisters on my feet, I though I chose the wrong shoes this morning. But without them, would I have tracked down the other photographer? Would I finally have hope? Maybe they were the right shoes all along.

2 miles from home with wet socks

Still car-less today. Haven’t heard from the shop, but they said today, so I guess if I don’t hear from them by 3-4 I will call and check in.

Walked to the lake again. A lot sunnier today. It was overcast when I left, so really I am hoping I didn’t get sunburned. I turned to the long side of the lake when I got there today. The first mile there, I did sprint intervals. They might not have been sprints to normal people, but they were sprint-y to me. I felt good about it. I would like to have done more, but with the 6.25 miles I did today, it was about my limit. The last few blocks were rough.

A big part of it, though, was the elements. The sun beating down didn’t help, but about a quarter mile into the second half of the walk, a length of the path was underwater. It looked mostly like a trickle running between an overfilled pond to the lake. It certainly didn’t look deep enough to soak through my shoes and socks…but somehow it was. So there I was, 2 miles from home with wet socks. I didn’t even know until about a mile and a half later when I was stretching at a red light that the sole of my right shoe had almost completely disconnected from the rest of my shoe. It was holding on by about 2 inches. Which is great because with the repairs to my car, I can’t afford a new pair or running shoes this month. My next paycheck is in 3 weeks.

I was sure walking with wet socks was going to give me blisters. It did soften up my calluses a bit, but I don’t think any blisters ended up forming. My face is still a bit warm, so I guess we will wait and see on the sunburn.

Check in: 267lbs, first check in goal: 250, ultimate goal 165. 102 to go.